Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Kids, what are they good for?

Every now and then, you come across people who declare that they will never, ever have children. Rachel Lucas describes kids as little prison wardens or something. I have to admit, at times the thought flashes through my head that life would have been easier, cheaper, neater, and certainly quieter if I hadn't bred. I wouldn't have to share my iPod with ingrates who make fun of classic artists such as the Smiths and the Cocteau Twins. I would never find anime wallpaper on my computer. I wouldn't wake up with tiny legs stretched across my butt. My dinner menu could include a range of delicacies larger than hamburgers, tacos, and home-made chicken nuggets.

So, why the heck did I have kids? What are they good for? So, in no particular order, here's what I've got so far:

1. Babies are cute, they sucker you in.
2. I had some bizarre, irrational, biological drive to reproduce, of which I had no control at the time.
3. Ignorance. I have to claim a bit of Ignorance of what a pain in the ass children can be 24/7.
4. They are, however, a great future source of vital organs, should I never need one.

5. They are an ok source of slave labor (but, honestly, their skillz could use some work.)
6. They "go fetch" pretty well.
7. My five-year-old is a great kiss-ass. Mommy, you are so beautiful. Mommy, you are the greatest cook.Etc, you get the idea.
8. Humor. Kids are FUNNY. I won't bore you, but my kids do crack me up.

9. They make a good audience. No matter how boring your stories are, your children will listen with rapt attention to your tales. At least for the first five times. About the sixth retelling, their eyes do glaze over a bit, but at that point can you blame them?
10. Coffee fetchers. I know i mentioned that they fetch at number six, but the coffee fetch really deserves it's own number. Speaking of which, where is one of my fetchers? Garçon!
11. My dog loves them. Honestly, I don't know what that counts for, but being a dog person, if my dog likes you, you must be ok. And my dog LOVES my kids.
12. They make for good photography subjects.

Ok, that's all I can think of so far this morning. I'm sure they must be good for more stuff. Point is, it's simply to late to go back. I've got 'em, they're here, and I'd best just deal with the fact.